Why Are Some Women So Obsessed With “Getting Closure”?
How many times in our lives has a relationship ended and we held onto the notion that if we just got “closure” we would somehow feel a little less devastated? What is this illusive concept of “closure” and why do we feel so certain that there’s a set of magic words that will make everything better?
Is this something that every generation had to deal with or is this more of a millennial issue with social media ingrained so heavily into our culture? When you broke up in the old days before the internet, maybe you could really avoid your ex S.O. if you didn’t work with them or ran in the same social circle. But now if you don’t block your ex (which I never do), he will still be in your sphere and your feed. Is it just that we’re too connected that we don’t actually let go?
Personally, I’ve pretty much given up on ever getting “closure”. At this point, I don’t believe it really exists – at least not for me. From my life experience, everything is pretty much said in the breakup conversation. Or the second or the third. But definitely in that raw post-breakup time.
However there have been flings and 'situationships' that had fizzled out and I was kind of left dumbfounded. And the more I sat with the confusion of why it had ended, the more I wanted a confrontation. I wanted an answer. I wanted validation that I wasn’t crazy. I wanted an apology. I wanted a conversation. I wanted closure. I wanted him to recite the imaginary monologue I had written for him in my mind and then I would magically feel better.
And so I pursued it. And I didn’t get the “closure” I was looking for. Sure, I got some reluctant conversations but they sure didn’t grant me any peace of mind. They will never say the right the thing because you crafted that perfect apology or explanation in your head. You subconsciously put words in their mouths, ones that will never be theirs.
You can’t force someone to make you feel better, especially someone who no longer wants to be in your life anymore, for whatever the reason. Only you can make yourself feel better.
Recently my good friend sent me this tweet:
“So you really ‘wanna get closure’ or you want an excuse to talk to him again in case he has had enough time to come up with the right words to say for you to settle.”
And I was like shook. Like damn that was brutal but so necessary. So instead of looking for the magic words that will wash the past away, we should spend the time and mental energy healing ourselves. Figure out what we want and what we need without our ex in the picture. It’s one of the hardest things to overcome, don’t get me wrong, but we all have the strength to get through it. The only real closure we receive is the kind we give to ourselves.