Missing A Cheater, By Cheater I Mean Me

Lately, I have been missing a cheater, well not just lately- I think there is always a part of me that will miss him. Quiet honestly, this was just a small high school thing. We didn’t go to the same school but he was my best friend’s best friend. Often, I would see him and it would just be an overwhelming amount of fireworks and chemistry. I knew I wanted to be with him, but let’s face it for a 14 year-old girl from Queens, the Bronx was long distance and something my parents would kill me for. So we never really officially dated, but I believe what we had was special, or at least special enough for me to be hurt by it.

Mark was a cheater but not on me, I mean we weren’t really together. Actually, it was me that was a cheater. I couldn’t find myself leaving the boy I was dating that provided security and safety and running to Mark who still got into little street fights and had no after high school plans. Mark was my weekend-man. Jon was my 9-5 and Mark was the weekend. 

At that age, I felt like I had to force myself to stay with Jon out of comfort and fear of the unknown, no matter what I knew Jon loved me and that was security that I lacked growing up so I desperately seek(ed) it in my relationships. I don’t know how much I truly miss mark, or if I miss the lack of security he provided. He was a force that disrupted my perfectly detailed life plans. He forced me to realize how fixated I was on perfection that I lacked my own goals and ambition. He reminded me that my ambition didn’t lie in Jon’s arms or even his own. 

I think about how unhappily happy I was when I was dating Jon and seeing other people. Not to put any excuse for myself but I literally did not know any better, well I did but I thought cheating was a manageable thing in a relationship. I guess I didn’t have the picture-perfect marriage at home and saw my father cheat and leave us and be welcomed (in my eyes) pretty easily.

I miss mark because I miss that time in my life, I was so care-free and allowed myself to literally do whatever I wanted without caring about the consequences. Now that’s all I think about, the effects of each and every decision I make. I am seriously paranoid person, I believe that every decision I make will somewhat effect the universe and those around me (usually in a negative way.) It might be some narcissistic bullshit, but I literally overthink this every day. When I was seeing Mark I did not think of the pain that I can possibly cause Jon, or sometimes I felt that I was getting back at Jon for the pain he caused me. But regardless of the angle I justified myself through, I was care-free and I was myself, my own free self.

I do not miss being a cheater because it is a sick betrayal to do to someone, but I miss being so care-free that the thought of cheating meant nothing to me.