Miss Me With That Fake-ish

I define my relationships not with what I want, but with what I don’t want. I’ve learned you can’t always shape people into who you need them to be but you can reject what you don’t need them to be. 

Recently, my closest friend drunkenly threw herself on my partner, this was followed by I’m sorry’s and awful tension. Eventually I caved in and I missed her. I told her that if it happened again, I was no longer going to be in her life. (We’ll call her Steph for the purpose of this piece) Steph has a drinking problem, I’ve seen addiction at home and in school, I know she has a problem. I’ve come to the conclusion that if I continue to befriend her after every drinking incident, I am enabling her and normalizing this behavior that is not only toxic for herself but for me as well. This weekend I told Steph I can no longer be her friend, as I watched her become someone that I did not recognize and I saw her attempt to throw herself on another friend’s boyfriend. 

Steph is what I used to want as a friend, the constant attention and adventurous moments. She gave me a rush of energy when we’d spontaneously plan something out. She made me feel important when she’d remember the name of the boy I have been in love with since I was twelve. She made me feel needed. But this weekend I had a transformative moment where I realized THIS IS NOT WHAT I NEED. 

 Photo taken from the NYTimes

Photo taken from the NYTimes

A few days ago, another friend of mine (we’ll call her Joanne) was gossiping about my mental health. I don’t get panic attacks much and I don’t really express to others what I am going through, for this exact reason. But I have trying new coping mechanisms... if I need help I must seek it. So I did. And it fucked me over. I told the wrong person, who felt it was her DUTY, from the goodness of her heart I bet, to tell other people and seek advice to give me advice. Within two days, Joanne knew about my breakdown and she publicized it to anyone with ears.

 Photo taken from Mean Girls

Photo taken from Mean Girls

She even used the word “chisme” which means gossip in Spanish. Joanne was someone I had no interest in being friends with, I realized she lacked depth and she was full of negative energy. Joanne talks without purpose, which to me says a lot about the kind of person you are. Although, now that I think of it she had purpose when she spoke about my mental health in form of chisme, and it was straight up malice. 

I recognize wholeheartedly that I unapologetically have to remove people with black aura, negative vibes and toxic energy from my life. I say unapologetically because my personality is the type to dare to please everyone, I have had the tendency to sacrifice myself for others, but I must end this toxic cycle and choose me. Ed Sheeran recently released an album and in one of his songs he starts off with, “I gave all my oxygen to people that could breathe.” That’s what Steph and Joanne were for me, people that could breathe that willingly took my oxygen. That drained me from what I already lacked. 

So I can make a list of what I want out of a friend, but it would be endless. spot on, I can say, I don’t want Joanne and I don’t want Steph and all the negative energy that comes with people like them. so to Joanne and Steph, miss me with that fake shit.