At a young age, I decided I would not have children. My reasoning? I would never be a good mother.
- I would not be a good wife. I witnessed my father leaving my family and watched as the women in my family called my mother buena madre and brave. I witnessed her taking him back and equated this to motherhood. I thought to myself, I could never forgive this and I would not be a good wife. Forgiving infidelity was being a good wife and mother.
- I have always been ambitious. My plans have always been concrete, Undergrad- Law School- Immigration Law- Civil Rights work- Politics- Congress- Supreme court- death. There may be some wiggle room for travel, but not for raising a child. My mother always shamed the white women that hired our women to raise their children, I knew I’d be like that- too career oriented to be a mother. Children would only be setbacks, and my future is on a tight schedule.
- I did not believe in marriage. The stigma around single mothers has always heavily weighed down on me. We are told wherever we go, that we will be Sixteen and Pregnant because we are latinas and all we know is to get knocked up. I believed having a child outside of wedlock was placing a burden on the life of a child because I’d be a single mother.
This is all consequence to the patriarchal values that have been embedded in my mind at such a young age and internalized for many years. I restricted myself from the desire to be a mother because I never felt like a real woman. I was not straight, I was ambitious, I was not very feminine, I did not believe in marriage: motherhood was forbidden to me (based on the patriarchal norms in my culture)In the past few months, I have put much thought in the possibility that I would be a good mother and raise political beings, I believe women like me should have children because their minds would not be poisoned by any of the views my mind was poisoned with.
Redefining my femininity, my womanhood.
Under the patriarchy, I am an angry cold feminist, I am not equipped to be a mother.